6 days after diagnosis, Wednesday, 5:10 p.m.
On hold to Washington, D.C., I am standing in the middle of my living room, which has been significantly redecorated by well-meaning family and friends since my diagnosis. The redecorating, however, has caused me painful bodily harm.
In the last two days, I have whacked my head off the hanging Celtic stone sun catcher, tripped over the Wicca wild rose wand, stabbed my elbow on the pyramid of healing light and become increasingly irritated by the trickle of the “tranquil-as-a-mountain-stream” water fountain placed next to the window.
I’ve had enough. I am starting treatment in a few days’ time and my home needs serious securing, not more rainbow dowsing boards and lotus tea light candles. I need to get serious. I am going straight to the top for this phone call …
(recording begins)
Welcome to the Department of Homeland Security. To report a national emergency, press one; to get a copy of the six-point agenda for the Department, press two; to chemo your crib, press three…
(I hit three. New recording begins…)
The Department of Homeland Security’s How to Chemo Your Crib
During treatment, leading oncology experts estimate you will spend between 479,502,319 hours and five dog lifetimes in your crib. Given these daunting statistics, making your crib a cocoon of life-affirming luxury is a must.
Step #1:
- Remove all non-horizontal furniture
- Remove all mirrors or reflection-like surfaces
- Remove all lighting
Step #2:
- Lay thick, foam-like carpets on floors and walls (wailing hurts and throwing large objects dents)
- Tint all windows
- Install moving walkways with handrails between rooms and elevators between floors
Now that we have the basics covered, let’s break it down room-by-room.
Living room
Since living is your number one priority right now, the layout and contents of your living room will significantly impact your survival. Because cancer cells multiply in environments of activity and “get up and go,” you must immediately transform your living room into a den of sloth.
Recent research to support this theory is substantial. The American Cancer Society claims that the success of your treatment will decrease by 20% for every cable station you do not subscribe to and each bottle of Jose Cuervo you don’t stock. Indeed, in his groundbreaking 2006 book Watch sitcoms … or else, Dr. Ostenbacher proves that your tumor markers are more likely to respond to 14-hours of back-to-back Cheers! reruns than six rounds of chemo. The choice is yours.
To begin the transformation of your living room:
- Visualize the ideal living area for a slacker junkie. Apply.
- Remove all clocks.
- Remove all signs of physical fitness, such as gym key rings and little league calendars.
- Remove get well cards from the mantel that contain any energetic slogans, such as “Within every patient lies a warrior.” (Cancer cells are known to proliferate at a dangerous rate in response to such language.)
Now you’re ready to get the party started! It’s time to invest in:
- A very big, beautiful plasma screen TV
- A 5,000+ channel upgrade
- A state-of-the-art surround sound karaoke machine. Studies by Dr. Milano indicate serenading Desperado to your lamp while lying on the floor is more powerful than qigong, color and Aha! moment therapy combined.
- A bar. This is an act of love for your nearest and dearest who are just choking for a drink. Unfortunately, you probably aren’t. (If you are able to drink, best of luck with those 12 steps!) Now select a corner of the living room, stick up some mahogany paneling, hang your red neon “Open” sign above the bar and stock it sky high. Unfold the mini-deckchairs and watch your popularity soar. (Supplying friends and family with Xanax is also a tried-and-tested method of boosting your poll numbers.)
- A kick ass couch (a.k.a., “the day bed”). As your ROCK of support during treatment, your couch needs to be highly-speced out, accessorized and truly loved. No velvet cushioned footstool, 360° rotational functionality or new wool throw in the winter time is too much. Yes, you have friends and family, but you only have one, all day constant companion. To show you appreciate your couch's unconditional loyalty, never litter. Throw away all those syringes and unidentifiable pills between the cushions and National Enquirers strewn across the armrests.
- A money prize wheel. Some days you might wake up feeling like you don’t have the same sense of control or accomplishment as you used to. When this happens, head straight to the money prize wheel and spin. In a randomized control study of 55 patients, psycho-oncologists reported 48 patients felt “way better” after spinning the wheel and appearing to win $500.
Bedroom
Shedding of clothes in a provocative manner, out … wrapping yourself in cotton wool, in. The key objectives of redecorating your bedroom are to keep you safe, warm and inspired. The motif? Little girl luxury with a new age twist.
Step #1:
Remove anything and everything that would not suit a five-year old girl’s bedroom.
Step #2:
Place the biggest, fluffiest white cloud under your Princess & The Pea bed. In extensive trials, sleep & relaxation experts concluded that placing a large cloud under your bed increases its height, thus making it easier for you to get in and out.
Step #3:
Buy dozens of candy floss-colored cashmere pillows and Ralph Lauren Junior 10,000 thread count sheets, recalling the overall theme of luxuriating your crib. You’ll need all those pillows for the fun bed parties you’ll throw during treatment!
Step #4:
For a real pick-me-up, stencil some of your favorite daily affirmations on the lavender-washed walls, such as “Everything is coming to me easily and effortlessly.”
Now that you are a little more comfy, let’s accessorize.
· Cuddly stuff. Is it cute? Is it cuddly and pastel-colored? Does it keep the nightmare monsters away? Get it. (Again, your actual age is irrelevant.)
· Ohm amazonite chakra crystals. Place them near your bed for instant spiritual centeredness.
· Photos of inspiration. Whether it’s a photo of you winning your first Brownie treasure hunt or a little ladybug being sheltered from a steel toe cap boot, these visual affirmations should be placed around your bed for 24/7 inspiration.
(WARNING: Unless you want to burst into flames because you fell asleep with the pink-ribbon candles burning, THROW THEM ALL AWAY.)
Kitchen
The kitchen that loves you, yet causes you tremendous pain because it acts as if it hates you. Welcome to the on again/off again relationship between you and your kitchen during chemo. Acknowledging these new tumultuous relationship dynamics with your kitchen is crucial to the redecoration process.
Awareness is the first step. How did you get cancer in the first place? Toss out those foods that clearly didn’t do you any good -- the bananas, Special K and Mahatma rice -- and tear down that six-food group pyramid poster from the fridge. Replace with a two-food group pyramid: Twinkies and Ho Hos.
Set boundaries. The sight of cheese on the kitchen counter, the smell of a chicken fillet in the freezer -- every image and every smell coming from the kitchen can cause you unbearable pain, nausea and tears. To overcome and prevent this upset, you will need to seal off the kitchen with nothing less than a coded Berlin-like wall.
Know when to leave. From love to hate and back again to love. Flying high on steroids, you now crave the nurturance and sustenance only your kitchen can give. Punch in that code, let yourself in and pig out. When there’s nothing left, it’s time to leave.
Reclaim your relationship. One day, when all the hurting is over, tear down that wall and embrace a new relationship with your kitchen based on tenderness and a renewed sense of hope.
BathroomIf you were going to leave a baby unattended in your bathroom, what would you change? One of the most dangerous parts of the home, the bathroom gets crazy dangerous when you (the baby) is going through treatment.
To begin baby-proofing your bathroom:
- Remove all blade-like instruments and sharp devices, such as razors, nail clippers, eyelash curlers, tweezers
- Remove all chemical-based goods, such as hair product, make up, deodorant
- Place high chairs in the shower and next to the sink
- Place Cheeky Monkey baby toothbrush in holder and plug in Care Bear nightlight
Unfortunately, babies are bad readers. As a result, you will need to install dispensers in the appropriate areas, such as shower gel dispensers above the bath taps and toothpaste dispensers over the sink. According to Sloan-Kettering bathcologists, this will decrease the risk you run of washing your scalp with Colgate by 32%.
Thank you for calling the Department of Homeland Security. We trust your crib is now more adequately prepared for treatment.
This recording was last modified today at 5:05 p.m.
